Incredible as it may sound, Doctor Jorgen Jurgen of the Institute
for Silly Research in Stockholm, Pennsylvania has found conclusive evidence
proving that many of our traditional nursery rhymes were in fact written by
aliens! Our ace reporter, Tesla Nixon, was dispatched to interview the
distinguished doctor just as soon as we found out about his discovery and
we'd found a suitable carpool.
Tesla:
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Doctor, thanks for granting me this exclusive interview with you.
I imagine that ever since your announcement, you've been a very
busy man.
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Jorgen:
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Actually, Ms. Nixon, it was no problem at all. In fact, I've only
gotten one other call from the media this week and that was to ask
if I wanted to subscribe to the Stockholm Examiner.
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Tesla:
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Well, thanks nonetheless. And, please, call me Tesla.
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Jorgen:
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Thanks. And call me Jorgen.
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Tesla:
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Was that 'Jurgen' or 'Jorgen'?
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Jorgen:
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'Jorgen'--with an 'o'.
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Tesla:
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Ok, thanks. Now about your discovery....
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Jorgen:
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Would you like some tea?
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Tesla:
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Yes, I would, as a matter of fact.
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Jorgen:
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Here you go. One lump, or two?
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Tesla:
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I make it a practice never to eat anything that is served
in lumps. Anyway....
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Jorgen:
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Lemon? Or Cream?
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Tesla:
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No, just hand me the cup and we'll get on to your research.
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Jorgen:
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Ok, here you go. By the way, that's a lovely microphone you have
there.
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Tesla:
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Thanks. Now, about your discovery....
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Jorgen:
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Oh, yes. It actually started out as idle speculation on my part
a few years ago one evening when I'd a bit too much to drink after
an Erich Von Danniken film festival, but the following week when I
stumbled across some of the notes I made that night, I realized that
there really might be something behind it.
Take Mother Goose, for
example. Now why would primitive European peoples imagine a birdlike
being that teaches children? I believe that 'Mother Goose' was none
other than a being from an advanced civilization of birdlike creatures
dedicated to sharing their knowlege with all less fortunate races.
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Tesla:
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Is there much evidence for this?
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Jorgen:
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Quite a lot. Take, for instance, the popular nursery rhyme
that reads
Hickory, dickory, dock,
The mouse ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
The mouse ran down;
Hickory, dickory, dock.
Clearly this seemingly nonsense verse only becomes meaningful when
we realize that it is nothing less than the principles of special
relativity being explained in a form people a thousand years ago
could understand: we can see a clear description of the 'mouse'--
obviously a small type of space probe of a type used by Mother
Goose's alien race--moving 'up and down the clock' as it maneuvers
at speeds approaching that of light between the time it leaves and
returns to its dock.
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Tesla:
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The clarity is almost breathtaking.
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Jorgen:
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Or consider the common rhyme,
Hey, diddle, diddle,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon;
The little dog laughed
To see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon.
It's clear
that this is a fairly straightforward account of a small exploratory
vessel that had landed on the earth and its pilot is attempting to
repair it--the cat that diddles and fiddles with the craft's
engines--and return to the orbiting mother ship--the cow that 'jumps
over the moon'--referring to its orbit that must have been at a
greater distance from the Earth than the Earth-moon distance, which
suggests that they had a highly advanced space drive that only
functioned away from strong gravitational fields.
The line 'the
dish ran away with the spoon' implies that these ancient space
travellers used saucer-like exploratory craft--not unlike the most
common types observed in modern UFO sightings--and that it 'left'
with the 'spoon'--probably some sort of device designed to sample
the Earth's soil and vegetation, similar to the sampling devices
mounted on the Viking Mars Landers launched by our own race.
So
you can see that there's really no other explanation for the
incredible parallels between these verses and how early space
travellers must have looked to our ancestors. We can only wonder at
what more our ancestors could have learned from these ancient
astronauts had they been better able to control their fear of them.
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Tesla:
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"How do you know they were afraid of them?"
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Jorgen:
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We know that many of the people of this era reacted in fear to the
benevolent space visitors from some of the more terrifying accounts
of their visits. No doubt you're familiar with,
Little Miss Muffett
Sat on a tuffet
Eating of curds and whey;
Along came a black spider,
And sat down beside her,
And frightened Miss Muffet away.
Obviously no one
of the time would have been frightened by a real spider, nor would a
spider sit next to anyone, 'sitting' being a physical impossiblity to
an arachnid. Instead, this must refer to one of the aliens appearing
to an earthling while wearing a spacesuit.
If you take a look at a
modern spacesuit, you'll note that it has a variety of arms and tools
and even hydrazine thrusters sticking out in various directions as
well as having a large backpack for storing life support and other
essential systems. If you were to don a spacesuit and walk into the
camp of a primitive tribe, they probably would think that you were
a gigantic spider and might well run away in fear before learning
any of the
knowlege you'd hoped to share with them.
These aliens even
foresaw some of the crises which would only be beginning to affect us
today and tried to warn us of them:
Hush-a-bye baby, on the tree top,
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock;
When the bough bends, the cradle will fall
Down will come baby, bough, cradle, and all.
'Baby,' of course, refers to the
human race, since we are infants in the eyes of these wise
spacetravellers. The 'cradle' is our earth, and this entire poem is a
plea for us to take care of our planet's limited resources and use
environmentally safe energy sources such as wind power to 'rock our
cradle'--power our earth--and protect the trees that replenish our
atmosphere on which we depend. As the rhyme warns us, when we
destroy our trees--'bending the bough,' as it were--our whole
ecosystem and us with it--baby, bough, cradle, and all--could be
destroyed.
Pretty sobering thoughts from what people once believed
was nothing more than a simple nonsense rhyme.
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Tesla:
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Terrifying. Do you have evidence of other aliens besides 'Mother
Goose' visiting our earth?
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Jorgen:
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Plenty. Aesop, for example. He probably came to our
planet from a world much like ours, but evolutionarily so far in
advance of us that even the animals had learned to speak and
engage in thought processes as advanced as our own. Aesop's
own race was almost certainly so far beyond us that they
considered such thought processes trivial and amusing, merely
suitable for funny little stories or fables.
Many other examples appear in Grimm's
Fairy Tales, which tell of aliens who visited our world who weren't
quite as benevolent as Aesop or Mother Goose.
You can read all
about these visitations and others in my new book
Perambulators of
the Gods
. Have you considered the alien visitation described in the
familliar verse,
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose....
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Tesla:
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I'm afraid we've run out of time, Doctor Jurgen. Let me tell you
what a pleasure it's been to interview you and that I hope your book
is as great a success as your theories seem to be. Thanks again.
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Jorgen:
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My pleasure. Have I told you about my theory that an intelligent
race of beings living in the sun is communicating to us through
the medium of disease?
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Tesla:
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Um, sorry; gotta run. Time to feed the cat...and I think I might
have left something on the stove...yeah, um, maybe it was the
cat...This is Tesla Nixon, signing off for the Unnatural Enquirer.
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