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The following preview has been approved only for thirty-ton mega elephants with bronchial pneumonia

Muriel Kazzam Presents

a Harry DePalma film


the Musical

[The camera opens on a myriad of fragmentary reflections of a dimly lit room; as we pan slowly from fragment to fragment, it becomes apparent that the reflections show a couple making love on a large bed beneath a mirrored ceiling. The music builds to a soft, intimate melody to which we hear a female voice tenderly sing as the opening credits roll:]

"Your problem's lying in your bed," the director said to me,
"Murder is easy if you take it logically.
It's more fun if he's struggling to get free,"
There must be fifty ways to kill your lover.

She said, "it's really not my habit to be rude,
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued,
But the film won't sell if he's only getting screwed,"
There must be fifty ways to kill your lover.

Just stab him in the back, Pat,
Shoot out his spleen, Kathleen,
Poison his tea, Dee,
Before he gets his hands free....

Just feed him some Spam, Ma'am
No need to disguise it much...
It'll take him out clean.

She said, "it grieves me so to see you pause again,
I wish you'd do it so we'd print this scene by ten."
I said, "I appreciate that, and would you please explain
About the fifty ways?"

The director said, "we'll rehearse it again tonight,
And I'm sure that when we film it, the scene will go just right;"
She gave me an icepick and then I saw the light--
There must be fifty ways to kill your lover!

Just blow out his brains, Jane,
Set fire to his yacht, Dot,
Cut the brake hose, Rose,
And then the plot flows....

Just feed him some Spam, Ma'am
No need to disguise it much...
It'll take him out clean.

[The music fades and the camera pans to show the couple directly; a blonde woman sits astride a man who is tied spread-eagled to the bed as they make love in one of the more common variants of the standard double reverse-windsor position. We cannot see either of their faces as their gasps and moans rise in unison, the music accelerating to a fevered pitch on the far side of manic as the man bursts out into song:]

I am a male model with massive erect genitals,
I perform with props vegetable, animal, and mineral;
I know the kinks of England and I pose in tights hysterical,
With satin sheets on waterbeds, my expression diabolical;
I'm well acquainted, too, with mattresses conventional,
I've memorized positions, both the simple and quadratical,
From the Kama Sutra, and with all its lore I've been imbued,
With many cheerful facts about the g-spot's general altitude,
With many cheerful facts about the g-spot's general altitude,
With many cheerful facts about the g-spot's general altitude,
With many cheerful facts about the g-spot's general altitude.

There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium,
Boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium,
Strontium, and sili... [ stab stab stab ]

[Before the man can finish even the first chorus, she stabs him repeatedly with an icepick, making a terrible mess on the sheets. The music, which had built to a climax of cymbals and timpani, slows to a slightly more relaxed pace and she begins a heartfelt soliloquy:]

I can't get no...satisfaction,
I can't get no...eye-bolt action;
'Cause I tie, and I tie,
and I tie, and I tie,
I can't get no...I can't get no...
When I've just tied up this guy,
And that man comes on the satin sheets,
And he's telling me more and more
About how he likes flagellation
As if that'll fire my imagination....

I can't get no,
Oh, no, no, no
Hey, hey, hey,
That's why I play....

Is Katherine Schlemiel the killer? Can Detective Nick Danger solve the case in time? How many steamy, explicit, kinky sex scenes can we put in this movie? And what about Naomi? Watch _COBOL Instinct_ to learn the answers to all of these questions and many more!

What the critics said about _COBOL Instinct_:

"I felt it explored the depths of the human spirit in a way that few films without subtitles do; the incredibly visceral symbolism may change your entire outlook on life. The silk scarf representing ambition, the ice cubes that symbolize man's quest for knowlege in a forbidding universe, the ice pick that encapsulates the basic essence of a magazine editor in all its naked glory, the recurring theme of the tattooed squid whose metaphorical significance could have been greater only if it had actually appeared somewhere in the movie--all of these combine to make _COBOL Instinct_ a movie that is without peer for its insights into the human condition. Plus the fudgesicle scene is worth the price of admission all by itself."
-- Dante Alighieri

"One of the best films I've seen all afternoon."
-- Saint Augustine

"Sexy, exciting, riveting; a treat for all the senses, except for smell, taste, and touch."
-- Thomas Aquinas


the Musical

Coming soon to a theater near you!

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