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creation of the world

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Author's note: This wasn't originally an Unnatural Enquirer article, but the first of a series of articles I'd posted around 1991 in, introducing "creation science" based on the Norse mythos. For a while, the Norse Creation Theory (NCT) even enjoyed a bit of a following in which others would respond to the pro-creationism arguments of those with other religious backgrounds (Christian and Hindu in particular) by pointing out that Norse Creation Theory actually provided an even better explanation for whatever it was they were arguing about.

Just in case there is any lingering doubt, it really was just a parody. Honest.

After reading long enough to explore the depths of the creationism/evolutionism argument, I've come to realize that there is truth to one of the main points of creationism's champions: that the two are, in all honesty, theories and neither can be proven with absolute certainty.

So I think it's unconscionable that a minority of scientists and others familliar with the evidence should be forcing their opinions down the throats of the rest of us and teaching them exclusively in the schools. Their opinions are, after all, just opinions, just like the opinions of those who base theirs on faith.

Indeed, it's an intellectual crime to be failing to give all origin theories equal time in the schools. I've noticed, at least for the past several hundred years or so, the Norse Creation Theory (NCT) has been all but ignored in the bastions of higher education. Now, I'll be the first to admit that, yes, this is also a theory and no more subject to absolute proof than either evolution or Christian creation myths, so I don't think that it should be taught exclusively in the schools; instead, equal time should be given to Norse, Christian, and scientific theories and the students should be allowed to decide their own conscience.

For those of you not familliar with this venerable theory of creation, it states that the world as we see it is made up of the fragments of the dead giant Ymir--his blood forms the oceans, his shattered bones the mountains and rocks, his skullcap the sky above, and levitating fragments of his brain tissue form the clouds.

The evidence for this theory is quite compelling--just for one example, the salinity of seawater is, well, no more than an order of magnitude different than that of human blood and lots of the trace elements found in seawater are also to be found in human blood. Of course, if human blood is deficient in an important component of seawater--like, for example, squid--it should be noted that Ymir was a supernatural being (and a pretty big one, to boot) so he could probably have anything in his blood that he liked.

The Christian creation myth's greatest strength is that, instead of relying on mere observed facts and the correlation of current phenomena with physical evidence of past events, all interpreted by fallible human beings, it has the full force of the word of God behind it. From a theological standpoint, NCT is even more robust, being the word of not one God, but literally dozens of them--and not mamby-pamby Gods who couldn't make up their minds about how many legs a grasshopper has or had trouble figuring out pi to more than one significant figure, but tough, non-nonsense Gods with no qualms about beaning frost giants with a hammer or drinking the ocean on a dare.

Some nonbelievers might try to foist upon you some "evidence" against this theory--for example, the space program, which many claim would have been severely hampered by the presence of a thick skull-like layer of bone surrounding the earth. Of course, this so-called "evidence" is just manufactured by a global conspiracy dedicated to suppressing the truth to support their non-skull view of the sky.

To be truly fair, it would be essential that meteorologists be given equal training in the clouds-are-water-droplets theory and the clouds-are-bits-of-brain-stuff theory which, I think, will probably not have much affect on weather forecasting anyway. Geologists ought to be spending equal time studying plate tectonics and the physics of gigantic bones, and astronomers ought to divide their time equally between looking at the so-called "stars" and trying to figure out what Ymir's brain must have looked like originally from the configuration of what's left of his skull.

I was going to say something about the unfairness of teaching physicians exclusively the germ theory of disease (note: just a theory) and completely ignoring the substantial body of research associated with the theory that disease is caused by an imbalance of bodilly humours (best treated by bleeding) or by witchcraft (best treated by burning the neighbors), but I've got to run now and once again test the questionable internal combustion theory of car operation, so that'll have to wait for another time.

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