Dear Doctor Rude,

Why do nice computers always end up with jerk operating systems?

Signed, A Sensitive New-Age OS

Dear Sensitive,

That is a very good question--on the surface, one can't help but wonder why nice computers put up with jerk operating systems and don't just boot them out the drive door. Yet, when asked about this particular issue, the computers give some fairly consistent answers-- the basic problem is that nice operating systems are just too boring and predictable: sure, everything is all nice and secure, but they just don't generate the excitement that leads to all those special GUI feelings that really make loading up a system in the morning worthwhile.

Computers need to feel wanted--they want to feel like their operating systems are spending some time seeking out their files, even if it means putting up with a bit of thrashing now and again. They want their OS's to find their own pointers and not have to ASCII them about everything. Remember that computers take time to warm up, they want an OS with a slow handle; don't just dive straight for that hard drive, spend some time lingering on the floppies and, don't just pull up the file and then ignore the computer, go back and pay attention to those floppies when the computer isn't expecting it.

Computers have drives too--don't just ignore them as soon as you have a file loaded up into cache memory: they want slowness and sensuality, not just "wham-bam-thankyou-RAM." I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but romance means a lot to a computer--be sure to spend lots of time on the busses. Niceness in an OS just doesn't stack up to the sort of overflowing emotions that jerk OS's call up. You can be nice and gentle and jump whenever you're told, but it just doesn't add up to a heap of beans if don't know when to carry her off and nybble her most senstive bits. But, if you really want a crash course on how to be a jerk OS and get on all the nicest computers, just remember that--write or ROM--when the chips are down, they want an OS that is well-hung and will go down long and often.

Doctor Rude

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