Trygve.Com > Humor > Postal Perils
Braving terrible odds, horrifying evens, and even the occasional
irrational polynomial root, I made my way out to the mailbox; who
could have imagined--except for you loyal viewers of Trygve's Wild
World of Mail--what perils, wonders, and exotic offers for credit
cards could be waiting out there, perhaps trying to tempt me with
my choice of a low, low, low introductory interest rate
or a genuine 3-D image of Harvey The Wonder Hamster's most recent
biopsy, available only to those lucky enough to wield the prestigious
Platinum Edition HamsterCard?
I'm waiting for somebody to come out with a "mood credit
card" that will change color depending on whather I really ought
to be spending money on whatever foolish thing I've pulled the card
out for. With cash back and no annual fee, of course; a guy's gotta have
some standards.
But back to today's program, where we'll meet the actual creatures
that came to live in my mailbox this afternoon:
First up, we have a catalog from Heartland America, which seems to
specialize in fantastic bargains on humidors to keep your expensive
imported cigars smelling like...um...musty, humid, old leaves, I
guess. They have a sale on pressure washers too; I guess you could
use one of those in a pinch if you were faced with a sudden dry
cigar emergency. Exactly why one would associate "Heart" and
"America" with imported cigars is an exercise best left to the
reader--or perhaps just to Mrs. Hortense Fergulch of East Oxnard,
California. Maybe we won't worry about it until we hear from
her.
|
|
But as we delve deeper into the dark and mysterious depths of this
previously unexplored catalog, we trek past the hand-signed baseballs
(as opposed to? foot-signed, maybe?) and the stainless steel pots
designed for a lifetime of cooking (okay, sometimes I do like to cook,
but there *are* limits; I think even a whole afternoon is pushing it,
except maybe if you're making gingerbread houses), exploring onward
until we find our elusive quarry, the fabled "stupidest and most
insanely overpriced item in the catalog."
Here, on page twelve, we have the incredible Q-Link Pendant necklace;
words fail me here, I simply cannot do justice to this amazing
product--I'll just have to sit back and let the Q-Link Pendant speak
for itself:
PROTECT YOURSELF FROM THE NEGATIVE
EFFECTS OF ELECTROMAGNETIC FIELDS
Reduce stress, increase your energy, and enhance your mental
clarity with the Q-Link's proprietary Phase Resonance Software.
Research shows that electromagnetic fields produced from radio,
TV, computers, appliances, etc., can sap energy, stress nerves,
and distort our own natural energy shield. The Q-Link Pendant
necklace, developed in collaboration with scientists from
Stanford University and the University of California, enhances
your body's own bio-magnetic energies to fortify you against
the contant assault of these negative energies. It's one of
the most powerful and healthy steps you can take to achieve
total wellness. 1-1/4" x 1-1/4" x 1/8" only $119.99!
Wow. After discovering something that revolutionary, continuing
on to the "World's Smallest Lawn Mower" (why?), the only baseball
with a speedometer built in, and the incredible bird-repelling
magnet that keeps unwanted birds away from its "confusing powerful
magnetic field" seems anticlimactic at best. I bet any birds that
were wearing the incredible Q-Link Pendant necklace could get
through that magnetic field, though. Maybe the NIH would fund
research on this important matter. Either that or America's
Funniest Home videos might pay big bucks for film footage of
magnetically confused birds.
Amazed, educated, and yet somehow humbled by these startling
products, let us move on to the opposite end of the world--
or at least as far away as one can go without leaving the
mailbox--the latest issue of Consumer Reports! Far below the
glossy cover of this consumer-oriented publication, hides the
mysterious and compelling "recalls" page. Gentle viewers, we
are astonished to discover that Oscar Meyer has issued a recall
on its "Wienermobile Pedal Car"--a 46" long toy car that looks
like a hot dog with pedals.
An unimaginitive person might guess that the forty-six inch length
might clue most people in to the fact that this isn't a real hot
dog, even if the presense of pedals and wheels wasn't sufficient
to distinguish it from that traditional American meatlike delicacy.
But, apparently not--the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile, it seems,
contains excessive lead, which is toxic if ingested. Perhaps these
dangerous vehicles could be traded in for broccoli-shaped scooters
which could still contain lead, but fewer people would try to eat
them.
I think there's a lesson here we should learn from Oscar Meyer's
tragic design mistake: never eat anything large and plastic that
you've sat in or on. Words to live by, wouldn't you agree?
On the other hand, chronic lead intake tends to cause lowered
fertility levels; maybe this was all just part of Nature's Plan,
at least to the extent that a giant plastic hot dog can be.
Just below the wheeled sausage of death, there's also a recall
listed for the "Relaxor Deep Kneed Shiatsu back massager."
Apparerently it has an unfortunate tendency to overheat and
catch fire. I guess bursting into flames doesn't quite go with
the "Relaxor" name, so I think this recall makes a lot of sense.
Maybe instead of recalling the product, they could have just
mailed out new labels to give it a name more in keeping with
its actual range of function. Some people might be happy to
discover that they were now the proud owners of the new
"Explodatron Shiatsu Grill" for the tenderest burgers you've
ever tasted! Kinda like getting two state-of-the-art products
for the price of one and a few minor second-degree burns on the
back and neck. You could use it for both purposes, really--you
let it warm up a bit by working on your back, then when it's
ready, just throw on the all-beef patties! Just like a charcoal
grill, really, except for that first part involving your back
and all that. If you turn the massage setting to "high" maybe
it'll not only grill the burgers to perfection, but flip them
too. I guess the biggest risk would be if some slightly
confused person tries barbecuing a couple of Wienermobiles,
'cause those would melt and smell really gross, I bet.
Well, that's all the time we have today on Trygve's Wild World
of Mail; I'm not quite sure whether it's good or bad, though,
that when Consumer Reports tested the new 1999 Corvette, they
noted, "With one tire deflated, we noticed barely any difference
in handling at highway speeds on our track." Might be something
you'd want to check out for yourself the next time you go test-
driving Corvettes. I'm sure the salespeople won't mind....
|
The Unnatural Enquirer, © 1998 by Trygve Lode (trygve@trygve.com)
|
|
|
