For as our citizens have vested power in us, your governing body, so we of the governing body return power a millionfold greater to you, our loyal citizens. Too long has it been since our people have raised their fists and felt within their command the strength to destroy our enemies. Too long have we, the leaders, reserved for ourselves the right of national defense, the right to act pre-emptively in protection of our citizens' interests both at home and afar, these rights seldom exercised and never decisively. Between the citizens' militia of the Revolution and the professional military of today a great gulf has opened. The men and women of America know themselves to be vulnerable. Not one trusts our leaders to wield the Sword and Shield of our nation effectively on his or her behalf. The time has come to put the defense of our land in the hands of those who are its lifesblood, under the command of those whose homes and families face destruction from enemies both within and without our beloved country.
I lay upon each and every one of you the sacred military commission which is your birthright in this freedom-thirsty land. You are each soldiers, generals, spies, in service of our country. Do not shun your duties! For in your hands, in your minds, and in your eyes the future of our people lies in balance. Be ever vigilant. Be needfully fierce. Be constantly planning. To this duty you shall not go unprepared.
As your duly not-yet-elected representative, I promise you each swords beaten from plowshares, shields forged in the unquenchable fires of American patriotism by the great industrial engine which drives our nation ever onwards, ever upwards.
Aye, I promise you a warhead in every garage, that you may live with neither fear of foreign invasion nor the mockery of seditious neighbors. Let every home be a silo. Now shall our faithful Fidos be joined by a greater protector, one whose single, deadly tooth shall extract a far deadlier vengance upon an agressor than any devoted hound. Now each home shall have its own red button, whose well-deliberated push will bestow upon its targets the hellish, all-consuming fires of American justice.
In every oven around the nation a 7-legged chicken comes home to roost, his meaty, mutagen-swollen thighs speaking loudly to the beneficent nature of Mother Neutron, whose tender prodding has brought forth drumsticks sufficient for the entire family.
Against the treacherous villiany of lookism, of visual elitism, of tyranny based on skin color, age, and sex appeal, I bestow upon you the equality of skin lesions. Now each fully-irradiated, follically-challenged, ocularly-failing, epidermis-sloughing, patriotic god-america-and-fission- loving citizen shall know his brethren as himself, differences lost in resplendent, democratic, egalitarian physical degeneration.
Yes, I give you WARHEADS in every garage! SKIN LESIONS for every MAN, WOMAN, AND CHILD! A 7-LEGGED CHICKEN in every POT!
For your electorial support, I thank you in advance.
May our Lady of Nuclear Annihilation guide us through these troubled times.
- Justin Thiessen
<lastname> @ physics.arizona.edu